Tips to Help The Friends in Bad
Relationship
If you've ever had a friend who dated someone terrible, you know it's no
fun watching them go through a toxic relationship. Getting your friend to
see what you see can definitely be a challenge, and sometimes we
don't really know what's best for them.
So we asked the experts for their advice on what to do, how to approach
the conversation, and how to support a friend by respecting their
decisions:
1. When abuse occurs, take an active approach.
Remember that abuse isn't just physical, it can also be emotional or
verbal. If the reason you don't like your friend's partner is that they
see or suspect abuse in the relationship, it's important that you don't
take a passive approach.
According to licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds,
M.A., LMFT, you'll want to share what she observed from a loving and
supportive place.
"Be aware that your friend may feel a lot of shame about being in an
abusive relationship, so coming forward without judgment is key.
She adds that abuse often lowers self-esteem, so thinking about their
value to them can go a long way.
It may take time for your friend to be ready to accept the reality of what's
going on and to take steps to end the relationship, so let them know
you're available to talk or help when they need it.
Here's our complete guide on how to leave an abusive relationship.
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2. Clearly explain why you don't like this person.
If the abuse doesn't exist and you're just not that person's biggest fan,
clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, advises honestly thinking
about why. Sometimes, she explains, we project our own standards
onto our friends, and no matter how well-meaning they are, your friend
may not have the same standards or may not be in a place where they
are. is ready to raise them.
Leeds echoes that point, adding: "Often our own tastes in a partner
can vary so dramatically from those of our friend that what matters to
us in a friend's partner may not be an issue for them."
From her reflection, she can determine if the perceived problems in
their relationship are worth bringing to her attention.
3. Approach the conversation very delicately.
If she decides to open up the conversation with her friend, Leeds
and Neo emphasize the importance of doing so very gently. For
one thing, says Neo, if your friend has already become attached to
her partner, getting her to understand your point of view won't be
easy and could cause a rift in your friendship.
Also, if you think your partner is manipulative or abusive, that person
may go down the path of isolation, planting seeds that your friends
and family want, creating more distance between you and your friend.
All the more reason to approach things delicately.
"Try to talk about it in a loving, factual way with clear examples. It can
also help remind your friend that only he knows what's best for him and
that you'll be there no matter who he hangs out with," explains Leeds.
All this to say that opening a conversation about a friend's partner is
likely to meet with some resistance. Be compassionate, try to stay
calm, and be prepared for a potentially unpleasant reaction.
4. Keep the focus on your friend and your
feelings.
As such, Neo suggests keeping the focus on his friend and how his
partner's behavior is affecting him. If he mentions something unpleasant
his partner has done, you can ask him what he thinks of this behavior
and how he feels.
"It invites conversation and reflection," he explains, rather than
aggressively forcing your opinion on your friend.
If it seems appropriate, you can also ask, "Do you want to know how
I feel about this type of behavior?" That way they invite you to respond,
adds Neo.
5. Don't let them feel pressured.
As difficult as it may be, be patient with your friend as they navigate
the relationship and figure out what's best for them. Even if it seems
like he's starting to realize that his partner isn't ideal, be gentle and
understanding.
As Leeds points out, "The longer and more frequently you talk about
it, the more damaged the friendship will be." She adds that these
conversations can also make your friend uncomfortable talking about
the relationship with you, so the nicer you are about the situation, the
more your friend is likely to stay open and honest with you.
6. Stay calm with the person in question.
You will most likely need to be near your friend's S.O. at one time or
another. In this case, she advises Neo to focus on staying calm,
especially if she suspects that person has a dark personality type,
such as a narcissist.
"They're just waiting for you to change to make you look like a loose
cannon. You may have to get into that mode where being authentic
may not serve you or your friendship," she explains. Try to be courteous,
kind, and dignified. (This is sometimes known as the gray rock method.)
And of course, she adds, you can do whatever you can to avoid
awkward or anger-provoking interactions. In any case, it's a good
opportunity to propose a moment alone with your friend.
7. Accept that he is not under your control.
And finally, unless you want to make yourself sick by stressing about
your friend's relationship, you have to accept the fact that only your
friend can know (and act on) what's really best for them.
No one knows what's really going on in a relationship other than the
people in it, Leeds says, and even if your friend brings up every little
complaint he has with his partner, there could be plenty of good times
he has. do not share with you.
"If we can remember that we're looking at the relationship through a
very limited lens, it's easier to put aside our resentment toward their
partner and trust our friend to handle their relationship as is best for them.
It's not our job to make our choice." a friend's partner, but it's up to
us to support him through the ups and downs of his chosen relationship,”
says Leeds.
The bottom line.
If there is abuse, it is important to strongly encourage your friend to
leave a relationship. In all other cases, he will want to approach the
situation with a delicate balance between discussion and support.
You might end up realizing that this person isn't that bad and makes
your friend happy, but even if your feelings don't change, all you can
do is trust your friend's decisions, be a crate resonance for him when
he does. they need and support them through the ups and downs
that come their way.
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